Curse

SOT · Aug 31, 2005, 09:04 AM // 09:04

[I]I The reason I posted this is because it's from my blog, and I was curious if anyone else here has similar thoughts and moments, you know, quiet times when the real you explodes like an atomic bomb. Just curious.[/I]

I like to pretend. I often sit and fantasize about how life could be. Not so much daydreaming, but as actual, self-validating notions of a world less populated by the mundane, the pointless, and the wasteful things that inhabit it.

People disgust me on an instinctual level. You hear talk about all those people who have their genitals swapped in surgery, claiming they are a woman that was born trapped in a man's physical shell, and vice versa. I can relate, but not on a sexual level.

My level is, I am not happy to be called one of you. You know, one of those beings that steals, lies to gain, rapes, pillages plunders and destroys what he or she does not understand. You know, those beings that talk a lot about making the world a better place but wait for someone just as mentally degraded and totally RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GOing useless as they claim their enemies are to come along and cure their genetic drop in the bucket. You know, those beings who, for reasons no GOD would be able to fathom, insist on being perpetually ignorant of the very same personal realities for which they complain to be hopelessly trapped in.

It is beyond cliche'. It is beyond words and yet, here you have me, sitting at 3:36 a.m in the morning, another night of decent rest wasted doing stupid and pointless things, seeking the pleasures of audio stimulation and pretending.

I am a great pretender, but reality always sobers me. I have no illusions about where I am going. All those out there who claim to love me as a human being, and those that actually do, will go away. None of it matters like it used to, and by the day, it degrades. The picture grows ever fuzzy.

I go out onto the back porch, between boxing up what little possessions I claim with passion, and light another cigarette. I sit and listen to the trains carrying their cargo off in the night, in the middle distance. I will inhale the silken poison, even though someone of my intelligence and inclination knows it is simply that: silent suicide. Apathy takes a firm grasp on my heart in those times, and I just inhale. I just RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GOing inhale, because, well, it doesn't RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GOing matter. I am 26 years old, and that one fact is the only miracle I can claim I have honestly ever seen.

Time wins in the end. I'll just keep sitting here, at night, no matter what porch I am on then, and wait to stare down the bullet. I won't miss these nights.

EchoSex · Aug 31, 2005, 09:06 AM // 09:06

I don't mean to be a bumhole but why not just link your blog and let us read and decide there daily? ^^;

SOT · Aug 31, 2005, 09:11 AM // 09:11

I detest blog polls because shat-4-brains infantile people leave anonymous abusive mouth rather than constructive commentary, or fill in their latest bathroom break details. On here, they have to watch what they say. It also limits my server load when the traffic rises and falls. It also is because I was bored. It also is because this is not the whole post, just the part after I edited it for television. It also is because I love guild wars but I tire of discussing it all damn day.

And no, you are not a bumhole.

Welcome to 'I am Jack's chagrin'.

Fermat · Aug 31, 2005, 09:11 AM // 09:11

Unplug your computer, unplug your TV, and find other things to do. Try this for a week.

With all the distractions nowadays it's easy to find months of your life slipping away without anything to show for it. The easiest way to find other paths is to force yourself away from the ones you're on right now. That means unplugging your computer (or at the very least swearing off unproductive use - blogs, IM, etc), unplugging your TV, and finding something else to stimulate you for a week.

SOT · Aug 31, 2005, 09:15 AM // 09:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fermat

Unplug your computer, unplug your TV, and find other things to do. Try this for a week.

With all the distractions nowadays it's easy to find months of your life slipping away without anything to show for it. The easiest way to find other paths is to force yourself away from the ones you're on right now. That means unplugging your computer (or at the very least swearing off unproductive use - blogs, IM, etc), unplugging your TV, and finding something else to stimulate you for a week.

I appreciate your attempt at advice on how to fix what you think I was saying is wrong, but you are off the mark by about 30 inches. The entire post was me talking about what I do OFF the computer, when I cannot sleep, when the day's events come to a head, and because nothing at this hour except Denny's is open, which I hate with passion only hell can rival, and how I think about all kinds of things. Not all of this is bad.

I have a life. I am in fact in the middle of a divorce as of a few days ago, and the "between boxing my stuff" comment in the OP was referring to what I am doing that is "offline". I have not been on the net in days, I got temp-banned here, and forgot this place existed, then on a whim came by and found I could actually login, and since talking about builds of GW players can only have so many variables before it begins to sound like reruns of Friends in 14 languages, I decided to posst something different from 'what are you wearing at your mom's funeral today?' which sadly, I expect to see all too often on here.

Forgive my attempt at something disimilar to the xerox topicals.

Fermat · Aug 31, 2005, 09:22 AM // 09:22

Umm....take up carpentry...I understand it's very relaxing.

Seriously though, it's a good suggestion for most people on this board, if not you.

The smartest people in history made their greatest discoveries between 18 and 25. Now they're all trying to collect ectoplasm in UW.

SOT · Aug 31, 2005, 09:26 AM // 09:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fermat

Umm....take up carpentry...I understand it's very relaxing.

Seriously though, it's a good suggestion for most people on this board, if not you.

The smartest people in history made their greatest discoveries between 18 and 25. Now they're all trying to collect ectoplasm in UW.